12 years ago and I finally realized how pissed I am

[barking_iguana]

I woke up after surgery in a cluttered-seeming, large room, with two staff nurses, I think) about 15 feet away. I think Sarah Cole was there, the first time I woke up, but possibly not until later times. I was the only patient in what was being used as a recovery room, I guess, but I was the only patient there.

I was in agony. They had cut open my whole belly with a foot-long incision to find and fix the problem. My pain was a true 10 on this more realistic pain chart (below the stupid standard chart). I managed to tell Sarah I needed pain medication. A nurse came over and told me they hadn't expected to me to wake up for some hours yet and they would try to get some medication. They didn't have any in the room. They would have to contact the pharmacy. (I forget the synonym for pharmacy she actually said.)

Because it was late at night, it took many hours for them to get a prescription for me and for the drug to arrive. During which, I kept willing myself back to unconsciousness, only to be awakened by the pain again. I knew I might get angry, but I knew I couldn't afford any emotion that would make me more awake. And this went on, and on, and on...

I have known for years that the mental process I used to get myself back to sleep took something out of me in a lasting way. I willed myself partially dead, like I had prepared myself to do when I was a kid and imagined how I might withstand torture.

What I didn't realize until tonight is how much I have also suppressed the feeling of having been wronged by the hospital's incompetence. I chalked it up to bad luck, because I didn't want to dwell on and thereby better remember the pain and because my initial reaction, during the first night, had been to dismiss thoughts of fault because I desperately had to focus on dealing with the pain itself.

I think, having owned this tonight, I'm getting a piece of myself back. We'll see. At this moment, I'm feeling too resentful to feel triumphant, but I think it's a big enough change that I'll see tonight as a big step forward in my life.

Comments

[chemoelectric.livejournal.com]

‘Too serious for numbers’ looks like the artwork done by cluster headache sufferers. :) Seriously, it does.

[ladymondegreen.livejournal.com]

That sounds awful. I have, on a much smaller scale, experienced something similar, and I empathize. Congratulations on owning this. That sounds like a good thing.

[eyelessgame.livejournal.com]

Adding my congratulations for the self-recognition.

[kindredsgirl.livejournal.com]

they were incompetent and they did wrong you. OK. they thought you'd be unconscious longer. That could be forgiven, I suppose. But to leave you suffering FOR HOURS????!!??!!?? That is not acceptable.

*hugs* and I'm glad for you reclaiming yourself.